And they lived happily ever after.

2009-07-19T12:00:00.000Z

Lost: Female, 18, last seen Friday evening, answers to Georgiana

This is just a brief update as I feel it a bit rude to be continuously abandoning my hosts to blog. Today after waking up from a party at Rae’s house we drove to the beach and overall we had a lovely day in the freezing cold sea. But it was somewhat overshadowed by the fact G is seriously pissed off with everyone and everyone seriously pissed off with her. We’ve barely seen anything of her for the past few days and being that she was the one who invited us down here we imagined she’d feel somewhat guilty. But no. Instead she’s annoyed with Rae for spending too much time with me. Though yes I admit I totally fancy the pants off her girlfriend, I would never do anything, we just spend a lot of time talking because, firstly, Georgiana isn’t there, and secondly we get on brilliantly, so in turn she’s angry with me. Georgiana is also annoyed at ma and farmer because they had a go at her for basically for ignoring Pearl and I. And she is pissed off with Pearl for inadvertently describing her as pessimistic. Not good huh?

Well it’s our last night in Wales, and we’re off for a farewell meal with the gang. No sign of Georgiana though, she’s visiting her neighbours with her mum. Yes her neighbours, who permanently live in Wales. Seriously, she can fuck right off.

I’m getting pretty sick of her if I’m honest, she’s so controlling and she treats everyone like absolute shit. Her main aim in life is to appear middle class, and she dismisses anything from her life that doesn’t fit in with that. For example Rae desperately wants to go to Reading festival at the end of august and has been offered a ticket. But she’s debating whether to go because Georgiana thinks it’s ‘working class’. We told her to go and basically told G off for trying to dissuade her, which of course only added to her mood.

I know this post is mainly tangents, I’ll post some pictures in the near future, sorry.

2009-07-10T18:00:00.001Z

Update from Wales

Georgiana is driving me a bit insane, considering she invited us down, and has subsequently failed to house us for the week she has spent surprisingly little time with us.

Today she had to work, so abandoned us as we tried to find a bed tonight, and got up late so we got in trouble with her evil mother who basically told us we needed to go (& fast). Then when she did return from work she went home and turned up late to meet us.

Luckily for us we’re being looked after by Georgiana’s best friend Ma, and her girlfriend Rae. Ma’s father is an osteopath but has gone away on a business trip so thankfully we are now sleeping in his doctor’s surgery which is attached to the house, so we have a warm room, cooking and washing facilities, not to mention good company. Ma’s mum is okay with us staying, but I feel she is letting us mainly through embarrassment at Georgiana’s actions. But it is comfy enough and very much appreciated.

Tonight we went out ‘clubbing’ or at least the Pembrokeshire equivalent which is just a bar with very loud music and a bunch of welsh girls not wearing very much. There was one lesbian (other than the girls I was with) in the place who followed me round all evening and left the club when we did, it was very odd, we did exchange and words just danced a bit. I met this really lovely girl Jay and we talked for a long time, and I realised I defiantly did not have a difficult experience at all ‘coming out’, her parents actually kicked her out of the house. I mean my parents were weirded out, kind of irritated, but I know they’d never do something so extreme. Poor girl.

By the way for future reference I totally have a massive crush on Georgiana’s girlfriend Rae, she’s totally awesome and makes me laugh, if she were single I’d be all over her, but alas. Georgiana is a total bitch to her though, just demands constantly, it is really begining to annoy me, I don’t like it but it is not as if I can say anything.

2009-07-09T16:10:00.000Z

Helo o Gymru

Things do not always go to plan, but they do tend to work out a lot better if a plan is in place. When Georgiana invited Pearl and I down to stay with her in Wales, I, somewhat naively, assumed she had cleared such arrangements with her parents and we’d have a nice warm house and bed to stay in for the weekend. Of course I was wrong, but it wasn’t until we’d travelled from London to Pembrokeshire and were sitting in the car outside Georgiana’s house that we were made fully aware of this.

Turns out it is not ‘okay’, turns out we can not stay here for more than one night, turns out her mum is very rude, turns out her mum shouts, a lot.

So we lie in a cold room in crumbly cottage on a sofa bed wondering what will happen to us. Hopefully between Pearl, Georgiana, Farmer, Georgiana’s girlfriend Rae and I can figure something out.

Getting to Georgiana’s was fine though, train journey was really good, not too long, though I’m sure it is quicker to drive. Then Rae, who is totally mega cute, picked us up from the train station, and she even had a rose for Georgiana, so sweet. Then we went to Farmer’s house for dinner. But the best bit happened tonight during our initiation test, in which we plunged into the ice-cold sea and swam completely starkers! Thank god for the pot of tea at the local hotel afterwards shouldn’t think I’d have ever warmed up otherwise.

Despite a hectic start, I think this weekend will be terrific, we just need to find a place to stay first!

2009-07-04T16:50:00.000Z

PRIDE

Pride, wasn’t as great as other times I’ve been, but still it was fun being in the parade and dancing in Trafalgar Square. Although the theme this year was ‘Come out and play’ I chose to go as a gay man in red hot pants, though it was kind of a dare in truth, a bit of a genderfuck.

2009-06-27T16:35:00.003Z

A Midsummers Night Ball

Well my hair looks horrid, I was in a foul mood, and very tired but despite all this The Leavers Ball went relatively well.

Yes I know I look mega awkward, well I am in a dress.

I wore heels and my friends still tower over me

I wore Topman boxers under this dress, hey, I’ll be a Nell til the end!

There were some awesome fireworks at the end of the evening, and I was back in bed by 2 so a quite night really. Off to stay with my god parents now for the weekend.

2009-06-16T10:54:00.000Z

Enter Shikari

Good gig, well not my kind of music, but a laugh anyway. Katie went to her first gay club and we drank pimms on the Southbank (at a whooping £5.70 a glass). Overall a very good evening.

Though I upset my friend Chalfon who rang me just as I was leaving asking if I was going to the Youth@Pride meeting last night, I haven’t been for ages due to exams and the fact that I didn’t ever really want to do it and am organising my own Pride group. And Pearl who wanted to go to the thing in the first place is now no longer interested, yet I'm the one who gets the pissed off phone call from Chalfon...grr...

2009-06-15T10:51:00.000Z

The things I do for my friends,

When coming home from the pub with HW I received a frantic phone call from Katie begging me to come with her this morning to be able to get tickets to see Enter Shikari, naturally of course I agreed.

There were several problems with my agreement:
1) Lack of sleep; to get the tickets I had to wake up this morning at 5:30 to catch a 6o’clock train and I only got in last night a 1’oclock, and found out about this gig an hour earlier.
2) I was in fact supposed to go into school today and put my displays up and go out with Pearl in the evening
3) I don’t like the band
4) we weren’t sure if the gig was actually happening; it was a secret gig and we were told to just turn up at Tottenham Court Road this morning and find the place.

But we did it; now at midday I have returned, wrist band on prepared for tonight. Katie is going to have a nap before we leave but with noisy builders and things to organise there is no such luck for me. I’m not sure what energy resource I’m running on but hopefully it’ll keep me going. I don’t care as long as Katie enjoys herself. I’m a bit worried she seems so stressed and down lately her mood is like a rollercoaster and I’m never sure where I stand.

2009-06-13T23:01:00.000Z

Nell is…

In a tent! Oh the wonders that a laptop can bring to your life, and also subsequently destroy it. Despite being in a tent, supposedly avoiding the world and hiding from mankind with Pearl, she has made the fatal mistake of bringing along her laptop, so rather than enjoying the great outdoors (at night mind you) we are sat in our sleeping bags facebook stalking our ‘friends’.

Then again, it is pouring down with rain outside and the tent is dry, it is also freezing & dark outside and the tent is warm, with a torch. So maybe we are better off in here.

Somehow we managed to set this tent up in the dark and rain in only 5 minuets, don’t ever doubt me as a tent expert! We were meant to arrive here at about 4 o’clock after spending what we thought would only be an couple of hours at Katie’s family party. Instead here we are at 11 only having just got into our sleeping bags, after talking to Katie’s depressed grandmother for the afternoon and dealing with a very stressed Katie.

Ah well there have been worse days, much worse days, and there is a flask of tea in here so I’m perfectly happy. Let the holiday commence thus.

2009-06-12T13:03:00.000Z

They think it’s all over…

Oh man, it feels great to be free! I can go on facebook without considering it procrastination, I have so much free time I don’t quite know what to do with myself and it feels amazing.

Just gave a presentation to Enfield Councils Anti-Bullying Conference 2009, it went really well especially considering I made the slide show at half six this morning after coming in at three. Thank god I’m a morning person even without sleep. I winged the vocal bit on the presentation and the slides were mainly pictures of me in Brighton, but none the less it was an achievement.

Last night, after the exams were over we all went to see HW doing a gig at this weird goth/biker club in Holloway Road. We always pass the club, and always joke about going in there, and all the bears that hang out outside the place. When HW texted me telling me where the gig was Pearl and I mocked that it would be in that club, it wasn’t til we stood outside the address our jaws truly dropped to our knees. Anyway, aside from the creepy people who were weird and old and should not have been at a gig, the music was great, really heavy metal, lots of guitar and drums. It was awesome, I even got a song dedicated to me and got in trouble for heckling bands. Totally messed me knee up though in a mosh-pitt, hurts so bad, but I’m sure I’ll cope.

Due to last nights antics and going to this conference this morning, I desperately need sleep, but with a house full of builders and a dog having a hissy fit because of the noise it doesn’t look like there is much chance of that happening.

Whatever, I’m free, free, free!

2009-06-10T13:02:00.000Z

From this point on…

I dedicate my life to sociology.

English today was awful, the most horrid questions came up. It was one of those moments where you go “Oh shit” I kind of take back in your seat and wonder how on earth you’re going to handle this. After today I will be happy with a B in English, there are pretty much no hopes for an A.

Anyway kids, stop distracting me! I need to go and revise for me LAST EXAM tomorrow! Well two exams really but in the same subject so I count it as one. Only another four hours wedged behind a desk that is too high and a chair that is too low and then it’ll all be over!

2009-06-04T18:02:00.002Z

Through the whole of my fucking exam,

I had this in my head…

So I decided to torture you with it too, many happy failings.

Today I am a proper grown up, I have voted for the first time ever, got a debit card, got a cheque book, got a driving license and a tent. Tent aside, how ‘adult’ do I sound. Now for a cheap porno and some whiskey and I’m there.

2009-06-02T16:32:00.000Z

An eye for an eye and you learn just how stupid and selfish people are.

Just one day after I spent my afternoon arguing with a ‘pro-life feminist’ I wake up to her the news that in America Dr George Tiller was shot dead. Now obviously you know I’m pro-choice, you know too how much I dislike religion, and how in my view it is narrow minded forcing people into an opinion. But I’m not ignorant; I can totally understand how people could believe abortion is murder. Even if until the child is born, to me, it is technically part of the mother, I understand that after 22 weeks it is viable and could in theory live outside of her. But this wasn’t a man who was ‘murdering’ innocent healthy foetuses; he was helping women and families who were otherwise to have very ill babies with no quality of life. The babies these pro-life campaigners show in their advertising are ‘normal’ looking foetuses; the ones Dr Tiller was aborting were incredibly unhealthy and in some cases could have harmed the mother if they had continued to develop.

The laws are so strict on late term abortion because they are so rare and so sensitive. I imagine in the majority of cases these women were extremely traumatised by the experience of having an abortion alone, without these pro-life protesters harassing and bullying them. I can only perceive an abortion to be one of the most horrific experiences a woman could go through, made doubly worse if it’s late term. These women weren’t doing what was right themselves, they were doing right by their unborn child, preventing them from a world of suffering. And they should not have been bullied for doing so.

Dr Tiller had been threatened throughout his career, by ignorant and uncaring people, he had been shot by a woman several years ago who is still in prison. Yet he never gave up. Perhaps he realised that he was one of the few who would do it. He knew no one else would help these women. I applaud him for his strength of character.

I suppose the most ironic thing about these pro-life campaigners is that they claim to be doing this in the name of god. What a joke! Whatever happened to letting God judge the sinner? Hating the sin not the sinner? He who is without sin cast the first stone? Nonsense all of them, these so called ‘christians’ know jack-shit about their religion, and act out of pure ignorance. They don’t bother to help these women just condemn them. If their ‘god’ was so omnipotent as they claim him to be, don’t you think he would have done something about it. These disabled babies wouldn’t be born into a life of suffering if god was so all-loving and no one would be able to intervene. If you are going to be pro-life then don’t use god to back you up.

Abortion is not the only option, of course it’s not, but a woman should always have it as a choice, particularly if it prevents her unborn child from misery. What happened to Dr Tiller was a disgusting act of ignorant violent and should be condemned universally regardless of opinion on abortion. No problem can ever be resolved through violence.

A point to note also is that the majority of members of the pro-life movement are male. Just saying…

2009-05-28T18:12:00.001Z

First legal Pint!

Will be had this evening! Of course I can't drink all of it thanks to my medication, but I can't wait to buy it and be IDed. For the first time no one can shake their head!

Landmark: I'm off to the pub...LEGALLY! (even if I was in one earlier without ID)

2009-05-23T14:27:00.003Z

Thought for the Day...

Nell Maddow?

Every time I put on my glasses (and am around politically-minded lesbians, of course) some one will always comment on the fact I look like Rachel Maddow.

2009-05-22T13:54:00.000Z

Thought for the day…

Sometimes I miss people I’ve never met.

2009-05-21T13:47:00.000Z

Thought for the Day:

I get on so well with my dad, we can talk about anything, we are on the same wave-length

2009-05-20T13:45:00.001Z

Thought for the day

I worry I’ll get to uni and I’ll be the outsider again

P.S.
One week until I am legally an adult =/

2009-05-19T12:04:00.002Z

My ‘Best friend’ posted this on facebook:

I found it today, but I know it is directed at me and a conversation we had on that day where I told her about how upset I’d been on Saturday night. I though she understood. I don’t understand how I’m meant to feel.

She doesn’t realise how much she hurts me.

2009-05-18T13:44:00.000Z

Thought for the Day: Back to Basics

For the next four weeks my focus is solely on exams and so I’ll revert to form and start a new season of ‘Thought for the Day’. I suppose you are all familiar with this, but for those who are new to my blog basically it involves a mini creepy insight into my mind consisting only of a few lines or a photo. They can be anything from fears I have to things I am proud of.
I know it’s annoying for those of you who like long posts but it’s not for that long.

Here’s the first:

I can’t watch archaeology programmes on my own because I am terrified they’ll find a dead body (and I’m the one who wants to do criminology)

2009-05-17T14:01:00.001Z

A Little Fear

It is an awful realisation that hits you when you realise how old your parents are and perhaps they’re not as healthy as you thought they were. Recently I’ve begun to notice a deterioration in my dad; he can’t remember things, his coordination is going and he is increasingly agitated. At 63 he’s admittedly not exactly prehistoric but still he is getting on. He is honestly going nuts and it’s getting worse. He said to me if he ever found out he had dementia he’d swallow the nearest bottle of pills, it’s his greatest fear.

I don’t want to lose my dad. My mum is scared, she has noticed it too.

2009-05-15T19:54:00.000Z

Saying Goodbye to the House of Wood.

No more lessons at Woodhouse, even though our last day isn’t technically until the 24th and we still have exams to go to (not to mention the fact I’ll be going back and forth until October) it feels like the end of an era. Two years I’ve been there and overall I’ve had a brilliant time, but I feel ready to leave. Yeah at the start I hated but then I learn that I had choice, I no longer had to put up with things because it was the only option. Katie saved me, I saved Peal. We are a team, and Woodhouse unites and symbolises that. I love this school.

I got four prizes today at the leavers assembly; for setting up S.O.What! for running Book Group, for my support of other students, and for applying sociology to fighting injustice and inequality in the real world. None of these things I could have ever dreamed of doing in my last school!

Aside from the fact it plays classical music in the canteen, and that it has a chess competition that even the most ghetto-fabulous people are not afraid to enter. It is the fact this school allowed me to be me, without fear of being judged or condemned. It was my escape when I needed it and gave me the support I needed to progress. I will miss it dearly. I owe a hell of a lot to it and one day I will repay it!

2009-05-11T17:27:00.000Z

Scary thoughts.

In one month’s time all my exams will be over. I will have completed all my years at school and until October will just be waiting for the next stage of education; university. This is my last week at school, in lessons at any rate, I’ll have to come back for exams and to run S.O.What! but technically come Friday I’ll no longer be a student at woodhouse. Between now and a month’s time I’ll have also legally become an adult, cast my first ever election vote, and had my first legal pint (even if I can’t drink it).
I'm growing up.

2009-05-10T09:40:00.000Z

Is all the weakness in me?

I write this the morning after with a fresh clean mind, striped of the pain and anger I felt last night. Yet my heart remains heavy and my body drained. I wonder what this post would have been like if I’d allowed myself to write it last night, instead of crying all the way home, instead of sitting on my parent’s bed sobbing to them, instead of lying in bed staring at the wall paper unable to sleep, I could have vented into this blog.

The last few times I’ve hung out with my old group of friends, (HW, Fridge, Enzo, Katie, Pearl, Kit, The doctor &Joesus etc) I’ve come back feeling really negative. I’ve begun to realise how fake they all are, with the exception of HW, they all just carry off a constant charade, and they know I see through them. Some I don’t mind the pretending most of the time, I can stomach Pearl’s copying, Fridge’s spineless agreement with whoever is topdog, Katie’s mindless worshiping of Enzo. But now they’ve all turned on me, and those who don’t fight just stand back and watch. Last night was the worst it has ever been, last night I came to the realisation that these people are not my friends anymore.

After an afternoon of such enjoyment, I was buzzing, as bubbly as you can imagine singing songs with Katie from the Hannah Montana movie we’d seen earlier (don’t ask) we were having such fun, then it all turned dark.

The doctor is as arrogant as they come, he loves to say things provocative, and is obsessive about proving to us how intelligent he is. Whilst there is no doubt he is incredibly clever, he is after all off to Cambridge in September, this constant need to show his intelligence drives him to humiliate and demean his friends. Well, mainly me. You see the doctor is weak, he’ll never pick a fight with Enzo, he is too big, HW doesn’t care enough to argue, Joesus is his best friend, but the three girls (Pearl, Katie and I) are volatile, or at least have something to fight for.

He preys on my feminism, throwing misogynistic bate out there which he knows I’ll grab onto. He claims none of these are really his own views, but I know he believes himself above women, well he considers himself pretty much above everyone, but he considers men to be far more reliable and intelligent than women. For a while I was an honorary man in his eyes, I wasn’t totally dense and I put up a good fight. That was until I started expressing more feminist views, began to realise the injustice of our society, read more fought harder.

There’s nothing wrong with having a good debate, but last night was just bullying. I came away feeling upset and singled out.

The group last night was, myself, The doctor, Fridge, Katie, Enzo, Pearl & Noel.
The topic of debate: Is rape natural?
For: The doctor, Enzo, and Katie
Against: Me, and Amy but her contribution was pretty minor but she just needs to learn to form better arguments, a skill that need to be learnt.
Watchers on, with minor contribution to the for side: Fridge and Noel.

To some extent I let my emotions get the better of me, I was so horrified that anyone could think the brutal act of rape was ‘natural’ that I became passionate and head-strong. When I become overly passionate about something sometimes my argument falls, but I’ll fight until the end for something I believe in. The doctor has the ability to twist words, to use you against you. Enzo just shouts, screams at you until you back down. I never back down! He hates this about me. Katie just goes along with whatever he says. They grouped round me shouting me down, twisting my words, attacking my pride. I was unnatural. Apparently so is being gay, according to the doctor, if I believe rape is unnatural then so must being gay. Their arguments were totally irrelevant and unsubstantial and their manner threatening. And Katie, my best friend, made me feel like shit for holding an opinion, for actually believing in myself, for having my own views. These are the people I call my ‘friends’.

By the end, as I got onto that train I had no more to give. I felt bullied and belittled by them. I will not put myself in that situation again, well not if I can help it. I’m backing away from that group now. I know Pearl wants to escape too, the two of us have pretty much already broken away started to do our own thing. I guess to some extent that’s why the group has become more hostile against me, because I now have the ability to choose who I hang out with. The majority of them are just there because there is no one else. Interrail, 22 day with Enzo and the doctor bossing me around making me feel like shit.

My arguments need to be stronger, I need to read more.

2009-05-04T09:43:00.000Z

It’s official:

I’m going to York. This list was made and York came out on top…but you always knew it would. By October I will have escaped the capital city, and be comfortable in the rural quaint Yorkshire.

2009-04-24T09:49:00.000Z

We’re going to Nottingham to buy a Heat magazine…We’re going to Nottingham etc.

It all worked out okay, and now Sienna, Pearl and I are sat on a coach on our way to Nottingham LGBT NUS conference!
Pearl has already saved the day by delaying the coach in Victoria after Sienna and I got totally lost, and ended up in the wrong place, then had to run to the right station with all our luggage whilst Pearl begged the driver not to leave. It was all very hectic but we’re finally setting off.

See you on Sunday evening.

2009-04-21T16:33:00.000Z

LSE Open Day

Oh man, I was hoping today would make my decision between universities easier, instead it’s made it ten times harder!

Nic &Ells’

Tell you what though, it was certainly a funny day, in fact something very odd indeed happened.
I suppose the majority of people who go to LSE are like me, geeks and nerds. For once I fitted in, I looked dressed and spoke like the other kids there, a VERY unusual occurrence for me. So to see someone out of this style was pretty unusual. The story starts with my mum standing in the cue for the loos at the university. In front of her is a line of daughters and mothers most of who look like me (give or take height, ethnicity, etc) then she spots this one girl. Short, fat, hair scraped back high on her head, with Dolce & Gabbana diamante sunglasses balanced carefully against it. My mum’s first thought was apparently ‘if Nell sees some one like this she’ll surely die’, good to know even in my mother’s thoughts I am a total snob. As my mum surveys this girl in what I can image to be complete distain she hears a voice she recognises. Then she clocks. I can just picture of absolute horror on my mum’s face as she realises this girl she has been so appalled by is none other than her cousins daughter.

My cousin Nic is the ultimate chav with money, I had always arrogantly assumed her brain was made of sand and her only aspiration to be becoming a WAG. Yet she like me has got into one of the hardest universities in the country, and though I don’t doubt her aspiration to remain unchanged I am now forced to confront the idea that I am not the only brains in this family. Modesty is just one of my graces. It’s not that my cousin and I don’t get on, in fact as children we were the best of friends, but that was when our soul interest was dolls and playing house, but now we just have nothing in common, we are civil to one another and the conversation fizzles into nothing within the first fifteen minutes. But I shan’t lie to you dear reader, I have always considered myself somewhat superior to Nic, yes I was a snob even as a child. Even though my cousin is far richer than I am, has gone to far more prestigious schools, I have always considered her ‘common’ for want of a better word. Her speech lacks elegance and coordination, her writing is big bubbly each letter clearly separate from the other. And she’s never been able to say my name, to her I will always be Ells, except she is from Essex so she pronounces it ‘eh-w-z’. I hate myself for disliking her mainly on this principal, but every time she says my name I wince, apparently I even did it as a small child.

Nic is nice enough, in reality I’m just envious that I no longer look like the golden child any longer and the idea that anyone could compare me with this creature that throughout my childhood I have conceitedly placed myself above.

2009-04-18T15:57:00.000Z

Stonewall meet up.

Met up with some of our Stonewall Youth group today, obviously given that this is the end of the Easter holidays right before the beginning of exams for some, not many could make it. It was a bit odd though, you see last time we were there Tony and I were very much not an item, in fact I thought she was pretty damn weird and tended to avoid her. Instead hanging round with my friend Fleming, who might be some what overly self-assured is certainly the best conversation you’ll find in that group. And who couldn’t make it today.

Tony and I are now together, and to be honest it was weird, I felt awkward and kind of avoided her or at least avoided acting coupley. To which (rightly to some degree) Toni was pissed off about. The thing is, it is very difficult, I guess I’m still not comfortable in myself around people who I already know. A group of strangers is fine, I’ll be totally at ease with who I am, but place me and Tony with my friends and I’ll just feel ridiculously uncomfortable. She on the other hand is totally the opposite. I definitely feel guilty about feeling like this but I don’t know how to change this bit of me.

2009-04-16T15:44:00.000Z

Forget about revision.

I’m off to stay with Tony until the 19th, and then it’s back to school. I don’t know why I do it to myself I desperately want to revise, to sit down and feel confident I know my stuff and I am 100% prepared for the exams, but I don’t do it. the thought process is there, just not the will power. Part of the problem is my desire to please everyone, Tony whined at me to come and stay for a long weekend and so I forget about any former priorities or commitments and pack my bags. The revision isn’t really an issue but I feel guilty for the lack of time I’ve spent on work and how much I’ve spent messing around. Also my mum has taken the week off and I’ve barely spent any time with her, which is a real shame, I love hanging out with my mum. She’s just been on her own most of the week, and I should spend the next few days with her but instead I’m going to see my girlfriend, kind of a double slap in the face for my mum.
But what can I do, I’m on the train now and will be in Tring in the next 20mins.

I wish I had more time.

2009-03-31T10:43:00.000Z

S.O.What!

We had so many people turn up today! Wow, I can’t get over it, and they we all really enthusiastic and a good mix of first and second years. I feel so positive about the whole thing now, I was worried no one would turn up when we said we were holding a quiz but now our members have rocketed! They all seem keen about Brighton too so that’s good, I so chuffed. Everything is going really well.

I told Tony, she was pleased for me but kind of annoyed because she hasn’t really done any work on hers. I got mine established so quickly because I was really motivated to make a change, even when I’m really busy I find the time for something I’m really passionate about, like this, music or reading. If I want to do something I find a way!

2009-03-29T10:01:00.000Z

Tony came down for the weekend!
We had such a good time. I introduced her to my friends who all think she’s really nice. She got on like a house on fire with Pearl, who knows maybe I’ll loose Tony to Pearl, there was a lot of chemistry, I don’t think I’d mind too much, they are really cute together. Even though currently Pearl has a massive straight girl crush.

2009-03-24T10:00:00.000Z

Socialism in the 21st centaury

We had the General Secretary of the British Communist Party come to our school today, I did agree with a lot of the things he said, but the guy was an idiot and had no idea what his own policies were.

I am totally in favour of nationalisation, and especially at times of ‘economic crisis’ like this I defiantly feel nationalisation of the banks should to as great an extent as possible happen. I know it’s not as simple as just reclaiming them, I’m no fool, communism is an idealist theory, to which on many points I agree even if they’re not entirely feasible. I believe we live in an unequal society, in which the poor/ the proles/ the working class, are suppressed and disadvantaged. And I hate our society for it. But I could never call myself a Marxist just because of the lifestyle I’ve lead. I think the education system is completely geared and controlled by the middle classes, but I’ve been to private school, and currently I attend a very middle class school, even if it is a grammar school it is still incredibly unequal. I have been to private hospitals, I indulge in a very middle class lifestyle. I believe in nationalisation, but I still buy my way out of the crap at lot of the time. I don’t claim to have any political affiliation or any strong beliefs, I am a complete hypocrite, and I accept that.

The General Secretary however, is a self professed communist, Marxist, socialist, whatever you want to call it, yet he had conflict in his policies too. Firstly he described an idealised Britain with no corporations, just equality, for the people by the people and what have you. Then when questioned as to whether there would be any sort of self-run small businesses, headed by a singular person, to gain profit for themselves, he said this would be fine. But surely, what was described was ‘the petty bourgeoisie’, who contribute to a unequal capitalist society. When I pulled him up of this he avoided the question completely.

You have to remember that my school is not like many others, we didn’t just turn up for the talk, our students did their research and prepared for a battle. Even if my school tends to be made up of the socialist middle class, Marxism without the grubby bits, they weren’t about to go easy on him. He wasn’t exactly prepared for this, he figured he’d just go and talk with some dumb kids, instead he was destroyed. The problem was he caused a lot of students, with a strong faith in socialism to loose hope.

I don’t believe we should look at the past to judge the qualities of socialism, yes it has its failings, but so have many capitalist systems. I just hope that the bumbling idiot stood in front of us inspired some of the kids in my school to come up with a new theory, which maybe incorporates elements of socialism and capitalism but is its own system. I guess I’m the middle class socialist to some extent, but I don’t think at seventeen I should have to make my mind up just yet.

2009-03-23T03:27:00.000Z

02:41am

If I was in a permanent state of happiness would I be human? If there was nothing inside of me except joy and happiness there would surely be no conflict. Yet if there was no conflict would there be anything left of me? Or just the empty shell of a human? For I could only feel one emotion this would surely defeat the notion of what a state of emotion is, and would in turn defeat the purpose of life.

To be alive is to experience. To experience one must feel emotion.

Emotion refers to good and bad feelings, positive and negative. A chemical reaction although it may be the fact our brain responds in such an intense way just shows how complex and amazing the mind is. We have evolved beyond the point where we purely desire only physically gratification. Basic just isn’t enough.

Happiness is a state, it can be drawn upon in times of need, but it is essentially an abstract concept. Can we ever be truly happy?

I wouldn’t describe myself as unhappy, I am certainly by no means depressed, I have enjoyment of life. But I know this isn’t as good as it gets. I seek more. We all do.

I crave the emotion of others, I feed of intensity. Good and bad; I love the anger, the ecstasy, the pure unadulterated uncensored passion of another person is truly beautiful. I am fascinated by it.

I can’t imagine anything worse than being on anti-depressants. Because they force you to feel nothing. Nothing bad. Nothing good. Just nothing. Numbness is not a state I want.

Feeling emotion is feeling alive. Whilst I feel something I know I am alive, there is point.

Why buy into drugs when the human mind is so wonderful that I have no need to block it out.

I am me, I am unique, I am the only one in this head of mine, no one can ever feel something in the same way as I do. How brilliant is that.

2009-03-22T09:23:00.000Z

Calvin’s Party.

I’m glad I went to Calvin’s party in the end, because not many other people did. Poor Calvin, he was obviously expecting a lot more people, but instead there were only about twelve of us. I wouldn’t consider Calvin a friend, but he’s not a bad guy, yes I complain of his lack of propriety and his constant crude nature drives me round the bend but he is good hearted.

He enjoyed himself regardless, and I guess I had fun too. At times it was a little dull. I suppose one indicator of the lack of excitement was that we all ended up playing chess. Then again we all go to a school were there is a chess league table up in the social area and even the most ‘gangsta’ of students aren’t afraid to have their name up on it. I love my school for that.

It was a good hang out, even if it wasn’t a good party.

2009-03-21T08:54:00.000Z

Hypocrisy?

Today Pearl and I went to this Youth at Pride group organised by our friend Chalfon, given the name I expected it to be all about young people, as in those under eighteen, who perhaps don’t have the same access to clubs and meeting other gay people as someone who is over eighteen. I mean I’m seventeen, nearly eighteen, right now I can’t do half the stuff my friends do, unless I have a fake ID which is very risky. They can just stroll into a club, and meet other LGBT people, okay I know it isn’t always that simple but theoretically. Yes I could join a under eighteens youth support group, but they are full of emotionally unstable people, or ugly desperate people who can’t get picked up anywhere else. Perhaps that’s a bit harsh, but a lot of the time that’s how it is. In my opinion there are not enough places to be young and gay.

But this meeting didn’t focus on what it was like to be young and gay at all. In fact I’m not sure what it was about, but they were saying that for something’s there should be alcohol involved, which excludes under eighteens. For me that defeats the whole purpose of the group. I’m not against drinking, of course I’m not, yes I imagine on Pride I will end up getting very drunk but I don’t think it’s fair to purposefully isolate those who you’re claiming to help. I know ‘young LGBT people’ covers those who are under 25 but that’s not the point, they can go to a club at any time and get pissed, why section yourselves off.

No one agreed with me, but I’m glad I said something even if it was to no effect. Most of them said they could see my point of view and initially a few stood up for me but eventually a consensus had to be reached and even I gave in. But it left me feeling uncertain about the group.

Tonight we have to go to Calvin’s birthday party, a boy who I don’t really like. He’s an odd sort of chap, comes from a well-off family, had a good education brought for him, but lack any sort of social graces, a typical lads-lad who talks about erections and farting constantly, yet has somehow managed to acquire a fairly nice intelligent girlfriend. Ah well, should be a good amount of dosh behind the bar so maybe the party will liven up quickly.

2009-03-20T08:47:00.000Z

New Hair

My hair looks pretty darn awesome in this picture, but honestly I don’t know why I pulled such an odd face. Sorry for quality, a bad phone camera was used.

2009-03-19T14:48:00.000Z

I’m getting that caved in feeling again.

I don’t like clingy people, regular readers know this already, I need space. Don’t rely on me; I will grow to hate you. If I invite you to something once, I suggest you tag along does not make it a permanent arrangement.

I like having lots of groups of friends, I enjoy being able to flit between them without worrying about anyone else but myself, I can choose who I want to be with when I want to be with them. I don’t care if that’s selfish, but I don’t want to be with the same people all the time.

But now I have a little companion, not one of choice I may add. I love Pearl, I think it’s great she is finding herself and wants to meet new people and make new friends, and yeah I want to take her out to meet some of my other friends occasionally. But that doesn’t mean all the time. I don’t want to see the same people 24/7 as much as I enjoy their company at specific times.

But how do you tell one of your best friends to back off.

The worst part of this is I begin to hate myself for feeling like this, but after talking to Summer he said he felt the same way when Pearl pressures him to let us meet his friends. You see Summer, Sienna and myself all have a philosophy in which we like groups to be separate most of the time, they can occasionally join, but for the most part we like segregation.

I think I ought to say something or else I’ll start resenting her and that will be far worse.

2009-03-17T14:54:00.000Z

S.O.What!

Second meeting had a much better turn out, including some first years, which is great because we need someone to take over when we leave. Unfortunately I hadn’t really planned the meeting so we just ended up sitting round and having a chat for the most part, oops my bad, ah well I’ll be more organised next time.

Pearl and I are off to an art lecture now, so this was just a brief update, oh the wonders of phone technology.

2009-03-13T13:18:00.000Z

Off to Tony’s,

I’m so excited but daunted by the prospect of returning home and breaking the news to my folks. Wish me luck.

2009-03-10T13:16:00.000Z

First S.O.What! Meeting:

It went really well, not many people turned up but this week is pretty busy for students with drama exams and loads of coursework due in so it is kind of understandable. Regardless of the lack of people those who did turn up seemed really keen, and we had a strong debates, many of which we had to agree to disagree on. But I felt the whole thing was really positive, even if only one person turned up I would have still felt that the group had impact, even if we could only help and support one person. Next week I’m sure the turn out will be better. At least the group is going ahead and wasn’t banned by the head and any resistance we’ve experienced toward the group has been dealt with by staff.

I suppose I feel a bit iffy about this group though for one reason. How can I, the leader of the group, be supportive and inspiring to members if I’m not out to my parents? I guess they must know I just haven’t gone out of my way to say it yet. I’m going to have to soon though if I plan to introduce them to Tony at some point. Tony says that after this weekend I’ll have no choice but to tell them, but I should keep hush until them so not to jeopardise my visit.

2009-03-09T09:20:00.000Z

Living for the Weekend!

This week had better go fast, I’m staying at Tony’s this weekend! I can’t wait! It’ll be awesome!

I am very excited- if you couldn’t tell.

2009-03-08T17:36:00.001Z

Is this the perfect woman or the biggest lesbian ever?

A text from Tony:

“I want to be held in your arms and listen to Joan Armatrading and do nothing
else all day!”

I think a bit of both. She is amazing, but what a gay thing to say…

Look who is talking is what you’re all saying, I don’t care, I’m happy!

2009-03-06T09:15:00.000Z

Strum and break

Katie is being quite cruel, you see tonight is HW’s gig, and when he asked me on Tuesday if I would go, of course I said yes, he is one of my best friends why wouldn’t I. But when I asked Katie if she was coming she seemed very angry with me. She complained that last time we had gone that HW had been very rude to us, which is true, but not entirely without reason. Last time we went we screamed out his name, mobbed him afterwards, and generally embarrassed him. So I suppose it was fair enough for him to get slightly pissed off. But Katie is still sulking about it and refuses to go. This would not be a problem, either some of us would go, or a couple of us would go, or just I would go.
Her decision should not affect the whole group. Except it does.

Why? Because when Enzo’s involved there is no such thing as free will, rational choice is destroyed and you are lead blindly. Normally I don’t care, sometimes it is nice to be lead, but it means putting your friend aside and pretending they no longer matter then I refuse.

This is turned into a big competition, Me vs. Katie and Enzo.

You see Katie doesn’t want to go to the gig but doesn’t want to see Watchmen (which I desperately want to see). Pearl and I have planned to go to the gig, and the boys are going to see the film. Katie is not happy. She has complained all week.

Today Katie came into school and said to Pearl in front of me “You can go to the gig with Nell, because Enzo says he’ll hang out with me tonight” I don’t know whether she meant it as a power thing, but it felt that way. As if she had the control over Pearl and was now giving her permission to spend time with me. It also felt as if Pearl who’d been supportive of my choice to go to the gig had gone behind my back. Perhaps I am reading too much into this.
Then this evening Pearl got a call from Enzo having a go at her for not hanging out with Katie, now Katie would be alone.

I don’t care if no one else is going (though I think Pearl is), I’ll go on my own. I’d be hurt if no one came to see me perform if music was as big a part of my life as it is to HW. Friends are supposed to be supportive.
I don’t know what Katie is doing this evening and to be honest I don’t care, currently it feels like I don’t know her anymore.

2009-02-26T16:37:00.000Z

Thursday

It has been a bizarre day, really it has, emotions all over the place. Now I sit in bed typing this, texting Tony and enjoying a cup of tea, calming down after such a hectic day.
So let us start with the morning; I think I’m getting a cold, felt really ill travelling back from York last night and now my throat is sore & I keep sneezing, I take some tablets. The morning routine goes as normal, shower, breakfast, teeth, hair, get dressed the usual works. Then I go to put cream & a little makeup on the remaining spots/scars that the roaccutane hasn’t cleared up. My mum is in the bathroom, doing her face, we chat about nothing very much & then she notices the lanyard round my neck. We have to wear school ID so the college knows we aren’t intruders, I’m not objectionable to this and always put my ID on before school otherwise I’ll forget it and be finned. Recently I changed my lanyard, to one I got from Pride. My mum notices it
“Do you know what that means?”
I play the innocent “It’s just a rainbow thing mum, it doesn’t mean anything”
“Eleanor, it says ‘out in unison’ as in out of the closet, as in gay” she hasn’t fallen for it, she knows I’m gay, she just doesn’t want to admit it to herself or worse for anyone else to know. “I don’t think you should wear it”
I whine “Mum, it doesn’t mean anything”
Getting agitated “people will think you’re gay!”
“So?!”
“Do you want to be gay?!”
“Yes”
Silence

She says nothing, she can’t say anything, she’s in shock. Is this my big coming out moment? Doubt it, she doesn’t believe me. She doesn’t even believe in lesbians, thinks they’re mythical creatures who live caves in woods or something. She doesn’t fancy women so how could anybody else. Plus god isn’t exactly in favour of it. Now she’s just ignoring it, pretending it never happened. Whatever.

I spent all day with Lesley, I fucking love her. I know nothing can happen but still I can appreciate her as a person. She is so funny and cute, and when she smiles her nose wrinkles up and it is so unbelievably adorable. Okay enough, I need to move on. I was so unbelievably happy though coming home and immediately launching myself on facebook, yes to leave a comment for Lesley, I know, I know, the obsession will end tomorrow. But instead of typing billet douxs and sweet nothings, actually I’m not that bad don’t worry, I found an angry message from my friend Tony she was really irritated about something I said.

I was pretty cut up, Tony is amazing, such a cool person to hang around, a little weird at times. Like for example, Tony really likes me, I mean as more than friends and she leaves me really bizarre messages like “I wish I could have kept you warm”, “We should dance in our underwear together” etc. See what I mean she’s a bit odd, but that doesn’t make her a horrid person. I do think I lead her on though, I mean I flirt with everyone, guys, girls, straight ones, gay ones, everyone! She’s great I mean I can’t see why anyone wouldn’t want to go out with her, but she is no Lesley.

Anyway, god I always get off topic, I was really upset so I called her up and we spent ages talking about everything under the sun, it was really nice she’s really easy to chat with. Turned out she had got the wrong end of the stick and I had been totally unclear, apparently. Some people just don’t get my sense of humour. She’ll have to learn. I’ve invited her down to stay in London with me next month, which should be fun, though I think Tony might perceive it as a date. Well she sent me a very peculiar email after which kind of implied that she and I should date, and was really awkward on the phone kept asking me if I ‘liked her’. I don’t know what to think. Everyone who reads my wall on facebook calls her my ‘stalker’, but she doesn’t mean to be weird she’s just not very good at being subtle. Flirting is a fine art.

So that was my day. Hope you enjoyed.

2009-02-24T16:14:00.001Z

The Lesley Log: Part Three

Well things could work out with Lesley, we talk every day, we are very open about everything, and I’m pretty sure the fancying is mutual. But there is a problem! There always is. Lesley, it would appear, is a taken lady. No, she doesn’t have a girlfriend, nor a boyfriend. Nope, actually nothing as obvious as that, turns out she has a best friend. What's the problem there you’re wondering. Perhaps you expect it’ll be a bit like mine and Katie’s situation, maybe she doesn’t want to come out the closet? Or fancies her best-friend? Well not exactly.

Lesley and I created quite a bond between us, she tells me a lot, I give her snippets of information about me, which is actually a fair amount for me. Lesley came out to me, I was one of the first to know, Lesley told me about her first girl crush, & about how far she’d gone with girl. But then she told me who it was; her best friend. No correction; her straight best friend. Who, as it turns out, has a boyfriend.

On a side note: Can you be straight and sleep with someone of the same sex? So I never have to come out to my parents, because I can claim to be heterosexual and have a sexual relationship with a woman. I’m all for an open and liberal society, and I don’t think sexual desire is permanent, but I think if you have sex with someone of the same gender, then you are not fixed in your sexuality, some lenience has to be given.

That aside, I really do care for Lesley, if she wasn’t involved with this other girl I would probably ask her out, and I don’t want to see her get hurt. She claims that is purely sexual, just for fun, and I’m all for exploring your feelings, but this is dangerous, Lesley really likes this girl, even if she won’t admit it. I’m not saying Lesley should run into my arms, but I just worry about her. When discovering your sexuality you are at very vulnerable stage. It’s scary when you have no idea how you’re feeling, let alone are unsure of someone else. I’ve told Lesley to be careful, and that is all I can do.
But I dislike her best-friend for what she’s doing, messing about with Lesley’s emotions like that, it’s cruel.

2009-02-22T15:07:00.001Z

Stonewall Weekend

Was absolutely amazing, I enjoyed myself no end, I feel so empowered and confident. I met some really brilliant people, who I could just be myself with, not worry if they judged me or if they ‘knew’. I could talk freely and openly about being gay and my experiences of bullying and harassment; and people understood, acknowledged it was a problem and wanted to do something about it. My game plan for tackling homophobia in my school is also established, and I’m rearing to go.

Day one, we got to grips with what homophobic bulling was and got our heads round the horrific stats. I mean seriously really upsetting statistics, like did you know that of the LGB young people who have been bullied 92% experience verbal abuse, 41% physical bullying and 17% have had death threats. I mean this is worrying stuff, the fact we as a society are sending our children to a place where they are supposedly meant to feel safe and protected, and instead they are subjected to this. And as much as you’d like to say, well kids will be kids, someone will always be picked on just because they are different and an easy target (not that this is acceptable or in anyway condoning bullying). But in fact 30% of LGB pupils report that adults are responsible for homophobic incidences in the school. I mean if this wasn’t an indicator for change enough I listened to incidences this weekend of students who were blamed for the bullying because they came out as gay. It shocked me, really it did. It wasn’t as if I didn’t know homophobic bullying existed, I lived through five years of it, with people just assuming I was gay because I was different. I still worry that if I went back to that school and came out as gay/bi/whatever it would almost justify their actions- this is crazy because of course it wouldn’t.

We also had a social on the first day and I discovered I am totally and utterly useless at bowling but I am apparently completely adorable- swings and roundabouts I guess. I had been a tad quite in the day, it was a bit overwhelming, but I made tons of friends that night, just having a laugh and loosing all inhibitions. Sometimes you just have to jump out of that shell and sink or swim.

The second day we made our own plans, on what we can bring back to our local communities. My plan was pretty much already there, I’d had ideas and had already got the go ahead from my school, but now I’m much more confident in it. I have deadlines too, which can only help. Now all I need to do is implement them! I have a mini-team to help- including Lesley, yes I know I’m sly. I’m looking forward to changing some opinions.

Now I’m back in the real world, it is scary, this weekend was liberating, I could finally be myself, now all of a sudden I have to jump back in the closet and pretend none of this has ever happened. It’s like I’m living a double life, nobody knows the real me, not even I do. Perhaps it’s a sign I should come out, but I’m not ready, and my parents certainly aren’t. I mean it’s one thing having one gay child but learning you have two, I know they’d feel a sense of failure. But should I have to keep my life a secret, from my parents, my family, their friends, and even from my best friends. I don’t want to live a lie.

Oh and did I get some numbers & offers of dates... well what do you think?

2009-02-20T15:26:00.000Z

I have a best friend crush!

With Sienna!
No that doesn’t mean I am in love with her, or want to sleep with her, no I am a little more restrained. It means I just love being with her and want to spend all my time with her- watch Liz Feldman and then you understand. We have so much fun that I want to be around her all the time, laughing about Lesley or moomins, or whatever else comes up. She lets me be myself I don’t have to pretend, she likes me for who I am. That is all I’ve ever wanted from someone. I don’t get to see her that often, she just floats from friend to friend, but when I’m with her I don’t want to give her up again. Last night and all this morning we did absolutely nothing, but the time seemed to just fly by without either of us realising or getting board of one another.

I suppose I desire to be like her, have so many friends and move between groups so easily, I realise I need to go out and meet people, because I’m just getting stuck in a rut at the moment. Tomorrow should help this, I’m off on Stonewall, where with any luck I’ll meet some cool new people with similar interests and aims.

2009-02-14T14:01:00.001Z

I hate the way that I love you

I hate the fact that even if I know you’re in the wrong I’ll always take your side.
I hate that I take so much shit from you, stuff I would never let anyone else get away with.
I hate that you let me down, and you don’t realise it.
I hate the fact you don’t like me having other friends.
I hate the fact I let you choose him over me.
I hate the fact I follow your advice even when it’s stupid, because I don’t want to disappoint you.
I hate the fact that even if you give me the most rotten deal, I’ll always take it because I can’t bear being without you.

But all these mean nothing because I love you and every good moment we have is amazing and all the bad things I forget about quickly. You will always be my best friend because nothing compares to you, there isn’t and can never be anyone else. You may hate that I talk about my other friends constantly, you will instantly have a go at me, but they do exactly the same because I talk about you persistently.

This valentines day I want to say I love you my best friend, even if you are neurotic and fixed in your ways, I couldn’t care less, you mean the world to me. I love you.

2009-02-13T14:18:00.000Z

The Lesley Log,

Well my aim was to establish contact and make friends, oh and find out if she’s gay- that’s generally helpful. By half term.

Half term ended yesterday, and here’s the update.
So contact was established early on, and a few chats were had and smiles and waves exchanged, but no real friendship was formed. I felt like I’d failed, but I was too shy to go up and natter on my own, and Sienna was getting pretty sick of being a third wheel. Half term was over and I had not achieved my goal. So I put my boots of courage on, and stepped into the unknown. I emailed her, under the pretence of ‘I am setting up a group in school, you seem interested in this sort of thing would you like to help’, in that sort of panicked I don’t really know what to say here way of mine. She emailed back said she would like to be involved, and we’ve been chatting ever since.

Is she gay?
Well this morning she sent me an email, I scanned it and saw the phrase, ‘I’m not gay’, my heart sank a little. Oh well, I guess nothing was really going to happen there anyway, from speaking to her friend I knew that even if she was that she was firmly in the closet & wouldn’t want anything. And in fairness I only broke up with Fridge a couple of weeks ago.
Then I read the email more closely and realised it in fact said ‘I’m not gay, I’m bi :p’. Same thing in my books but who cares! Joy, joy, things can only get better from here.

I don’t think I’ll tell Katie of this development however.

2009-02-12T14:04:00.001Z

Katie has forgiven me.

Yes ‘forgiven’. Well I don’t care, as long as we’re cool again, though I think its one of those things we shall never speak of. Our friendship is bizarre, I think we take a lot of crap from one another but it somehow seems to work.

2009-02-11T20:34:00.000Z

I’ll earn my toaster oven yet

Today Pearl and I were talking, mainly about how much Katie had blown this thing ridiculously out of proportion. I mean talk about mountain out of a molehill, she hangs around with us but refuses to talk about ‘that thing’, which is fine by me, and is just acting like a total freak, I mean she won’t even say ‘I love you’ when we say goodbye. What does she think I’m going to do; rape her? Convert her? I have no idea, but I figure she’ll get over it soon, well I hope so.

However, speaking of converting, Pearl was saying how she thinks there is a great deal of logic to my theory of sexuality- that sexuality is basically fluid, some are more inclined to one gender or the other but we have the potential to go either way; you fall in love with people rather than genders. I know such a bisexual thing to say. Well I love a compliment, and I was dying to hear her opinions on the theory, so I encouraged her to expand and elaborate. She effectively said she was very uncertain about her sexuality, that she wondered if she really ever fancied people or if she was just conforming to type.

Hello, welcome to my world! I’m not sure if I’ve every really gone out with someone because I fancied them or just because I felt I ought to, the only person who I’ve ever been really hung up on and obsessed over and had what I perceive to be lust for was HW*. All my long term relationships have been guys but I wonder if they are only really beards at times, even HW, I’m not sure if I only felt that strongly towards him because I perceived this to be the ‘right’ emotion. Well maybe not, it’s just a thought. I guess it’s also because I think my parents won’t approve, in fact I know they won’t. They haven’t a clue, well I don’t think they have, I’ve told them about my theory of sexuality, they know I’m involved with all the ‘gay groups’ in school, but they think this is just general Nell-is-weird behaviour that they come to expect of me.

I suggested that Pearl didn’t tell Katie of these feelings, I don’t think she’d cope with two of her friends coming out in the same week, she agreed. But I’m glad she felt she could talk to me, even if she realises that she defiantly isn’t attracted to women, I think it’s good to be open if only to clarify. Maybe this is my new role though, LGBT recruiter!

*Need to update you on this situation

2009-02-10T20:13:00.000Z

Miss Anthrope

Prepare for another self pitying rant by Nell

This week has been so unbelievably shit so far, not so much the events, rather that the people around me are self obsessed egotistical bastards, or so they appear. And today I feel so worthless and dehumanised by it all.

Basically the problem all stems from a party Katie and I attended on Saturday, however it was not so much the party but what was said at it. I wrote on here how I just assume everyone knows about my sexuality, presume they’ll take me for who I am or just leave me be. Obviously it rarely comes up in conversation, but on Saturday it did. A few of us were hanging out in the toilets- the party was totally dead and the ‘cool kids’ were chilling out there- Katie and I included. I was talking to one of my friends from my old school and whilst chatting the conversation turned to when I first realised my sexuality. I answered that I didn’t feel there was a specific moment I could pinpoint, rather that I’d just supposed everyone else felt similarly, and liked both guys and girls, so I never really said anything.

To say Katie was horrified would be an understatement! It’s not that I hadn’t told her I was gay, rather that she had denied it and ignored it, or maybe thought I was joking. We’d spoken about it before, I’d said I’d be happy in a relationship with a woman, she couldn’t think or anything she’d dislike more. I even told her once, and I’d assumed I’d made it clear, and she just brushed it off not wanting to talk about it. I really thought she knew, but just didn’t want to speak about it.

Apparently not, and apparently she is not okay with it either. She’s been avoiding me much of this week, maybe she thinks I’m in love with her or something.

We spoke about it yesterday, where she used that fateful and damning phrase “I think it’s just a phase”, basically she thinks I’m doing this because Sienna is, she thinks I want to get into that crowd. The thing she doesn’t get is, firstly, I’ve felt like this a long time, secondly, I have no feelings for her other that friendship and finally, I could have got into that crowd ages ago, but I didn’t because I knew she wouldn’t fit in there and I would never leave her behind.

Then she asked me if I wanted a ‘coming out’ session, like with our group of friends. I laughed and told her most people already knew, to which she accused me of keeping a massive secret from here, which of course isn’t the case. It was one of those situations where you feel the need to apologise, not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because the other person seems so hurt that you will say anything and everything to make it better.

Today Pearl spoke to me, she asked me if I was okay, she was worried because Katie had had a massive bitch about me to her, about how much this whole coming out thing had upset Katie. I’m not sure how this affects her in anyway shape or form, but maybe I’m being self absorbed and can’t see beyond my own pity and frustration. Pearl seems just as bothered by this as me, Katie’s blown this all out of proportion, and as Pearl said “…but everyone knows, even if you don’t say it, everyone knows! How did she not…”. Pearl is very supportive, and lovely she just wants to fix this rift between her two best friends.

I feel completely dejected by Katie and so inconceivably hurt by her reaction to this. She’s the one person whose opinion I care about, and the last person who I expected to respond like this. I miss her terribly and can’t find solace in any other person. Currently everyone seems annoying and all I want is to isolate myself from it all.

2009-02-03T15:45:00.001Z

I got into The London School of Economics,

Everyone is really, really, really excited for me, thrilled in fact! My mum is over the moon, won’t stop telling people. I know it’s one of the best in the world, and equals Cambridge and Oxford in many subjects, but I don’t think I want to go. It’s very flattering that they want me, but I desperately wanted a rejection so I wouldn't have to make this decision. It’s too early to say what I’ll do; I just have to play it all by ear. Who knows, I may go back to York in a couple of weeks and hate it.

2009-02-02T20:48:00.002Z

This is what the view from my window looked like this morning!

Just to give you an idea of the depth.

Of course this means no school. Which is all very well and good, but I have no one to play with. Everyone lives too far away, so I’m all alone in the snow.

2009-02-01T11:24:00.001Z

I am refusing to do any work this weekend,

On principal that I’ve spent the last month working solidly on English coursework, and been stressed out of my mind.
I’d hoped this weekend would be amazing and it’s not that it’s been dreadful, it just hasn’t been all I’d hoped. The party we went to last night was boring as hell, so much so that Pearl and I ended up falling asleep at one point. Spending the day with Katie was fun though, as you can see from yesterday’s post, I’ve missed just messing around and being unproductive. January is over now though so I can reduce stress levels and focus on choreographing my major panic-freak-out for June.
Tomorrow will tell if my lack of work this weekend will have had any impact.

2009-01-31T11:10:00.000Z

Did you ever wonder what I’d look like blond?

Katie bought some hair extensions

I can’t take anything seriously

Going natural

2009-01-27T15:03:00.000Z

Loosing hope

Today I found her with five packets of salt & a bottle of water, I asked her what they were for even though I knew. She threw them away, but I know she was screaming for something. I just don’t know what to give her. I’m in way over my head.
Pearl is sad.
Katie is sad.
I am sad.
This is what we’ve become.

2009-01-26T14:59:00.000Z

Feeling directionless

I go over and over it in my head and I just can’t explain to myself why she did it? I talk to Katie, I talk to my parents, I even consider calling a helpline.

I thought I’d had a shit weekend. Katie thought she had. Summer, who fell over and got glass in his back, resulting in five stitches, thought he had. Then we find out why no one could get in contact with Pearl.

On Friday evening Pearl took an overdose of paracetamol.

She’s okay now, a little unstable, but alive. She’d got into a panic, she claims, over eating too much, and thought paracetamol would get it out of her system. Pearl has battled with anorexia for almost two years, I’m not entirely sure why she thought paracetamol would have that effect. She’s not stupid, I’m sure she knows the tricks of the trade, so why this? The main thing is she came to her senses and called an ambulance, who took her to hospital where they got her to drink charcoal and tested her, then sent her on her way. But I just don’t get it. Everything seemed to be going so well.

Was it a cry for help? Has she been giving signs for a long time and I’ve just been too preoccupied with my own problems to notice what’s going on around me.

2009-01-25T17:50:00.001Z

#Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head#

That chapter is now closed, I broke up with Fridge.

I think its for the best.

2009-01-24T21:31:00.000Z

You, me and a shovel make three.

I had a bath, I shaved my legs, I made myself feel all attractive and confident. Dialling his number I practised the lines I would say over and over in my head. His mum answers, he’s not in.

I finally had the courage to end it all, I figure with one call it would be over. I thought Saturday night, he has Sunday to get over it, then he can go to school on Monday and all will be fine, we might even see each other Friday. Now I’m not sure what’s best to do. I guess he figured it was over yesterday, but I wasn’t about to break up with him in front of everyone. He looked so hurt, so helpless, I just felt awful. That’s why I think it’s best to do this over the phone. I don’t want to feel sorry for him, in the same way if he was breaking up with me I’d hate it if he didn’t because he felt sorry for me. That’s not the attitude you should have.

But he’s out with the lads so it doesn’t even matter. I guess that’s what all the missed calls were about.

2009-01-23T18:35:00.000Z

It’s called self-discipline,

And I’m not entirely sure I have it.

I have so much work to do. This stupid bit of coursework seems like an endless task. The more of it I seem to do, the more I realise I have left. It’s so boring now, at first I was really interested but the more I do of it the less I enjoy.

I’m going out tonight, but Katie and I have decided that for this weekend we can only go out on night, then the other we have to stay in and do work. But that’s life I guess.

2009-01-22T20:27:00.000Z

I don’t know how much longer to give it,

Another week maybe? Two? Maybe he’ll figure it out and end it before I have to.

I just feel so awful about the whole situation.

In other news; Sienna’s girlfriend gave me a lesson today on ‘How to be Gay’ which included a history lesson, literature and appreciation of the gay arts, and dating lessons. On the basis Fridge and I are basically over, I think they’re planning to set Lesley and I up. Should I be scared?

2009-01-21T20:24:00.001Z

The Lesley Log,

Lesley has come to be a recent obsession of Sienna and mine, though I’m not entirely sure why. Lesley is a girl in the year below us, a very lovely girl who is really funny and sweet… oh and totally in love with me.

I guess that’s how it all started, Lesley became infatuated with me. I used to always see her staring at me, and of course the paranoid me was convinced I had something on my jeans, had toilet paper hanging out my knickers or something equally mortifying. I mean literally every time I walked through the social area or a corridor, she would stop what she was doing and gaze at me, following my path. Now for some reason I have come to do the same to her, it’s like a mutual fascination. Bloody bizarre.

Now I’ve spoken to Lesley, I realise she’s not that weird girl who stares at me, but is in fact really cool. But when I’m round her I just make a fool of myself and can’t seem to form sentences, it’s really odd, usually I’m relatively self controlled.

I think I might fancy her. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

2009-01-18T20:05:00.002Z

This is slowly crushing me

Everything is building up and time is running out, or so it seems. I just feel so rushed. I had planned this weekend to get a first draft of my coursework done for English Lit, instead I’ve only succeeded in writing a plan. I know everything will follow on easily after that’s done, but I just feel so downhearted, it is just so much work. It feels like everyone is pulling me in a different direction, and as much as you try to please everyone’s needs its not enough. I’m not concentrating on one thing because I’m expected to do so many others.

I can’t wait for January to be over, it’s just far too stressful. I’m already in trouble with my dad for not listening to instructions, Fridge is annoyed because I can’t come out and see him, my psychology teacher is annoyed because I haven’t handed in work because I’ve been concentrating on other things, music teacher says I haven’t done enough practise, sociology teacher says I haven’t done enough revision, my friends say I haven’t done enough socialising, my parents say I’ve done to much.

And me? How do I feel? Drained

2009-01-17T15:00:00.001Z

“Oh my, you can’t be that little tomboy I knew only few years ago!”

I smile and nod, I consider this has happened far too often of late. She continues “I really can’t believe it. It’s just such a transformation, I mean where did these come from?” She prods my breasts “And when did you get so skinny? I mean you were so podgy and weird looking, now you’re like …” she searches for the ‘right’ word for some time “pretty”.

I ungraciously mumble thanks, but it hardly felt like a complement. But she wasn’t done there “Everyone here’s been saying so. God we all thought you were so like weird before” I notice her diction has not improved since we were about seven, since we started speaking she has used the words ‘like’ and ‘weird’ at least seven times. She laughs at what ever she’s recalling “I remember someone thought you’d be one of those weird hippies and have to become a lesbian and live in one of those commune things” I choose not to correct her as to how sexual orientation is ‘decided’. Still she continues her ‘complement’; “ And now that little freak” she chortles this is clearly meant to be funny “the one with all the grunger clothes and like spikes and shit is like pretty.” She laughs again, now I remember why I stopped talking to other humans for so many years.

Although it would appear my ‘weird’ goth cocoon served to only help me become more aesthetically pleasing in her eyes, I realise that in reality it made me a better person.
I could have slaughtered her, my words cutting through her skin, she might even cry, or it might just fly straight over her head. I weigh up the cost and reward of the situation, I consider she's not worth it, I’ll save my fight for someone who’ll appreciate it, who understand it. So instead of wasting my breath I decide that perhaps the cocoon is best left zipped up, if only for today.

I can hear her still talking as I walk away. I’m going to be killed for being rude, for leaving without the rest of my family, and refusing to ever return, but the reward is far greater than the cost in this scenario.

2009-01-15T14:57:00.000Z

Work at it,

Give it another try,
It’ll get better,
We’ll get through this,

Just pretend.

2009-01-14T14:56:00.000Z

There is a point at which all the conflict will have to end.

It is no longer a relationship, it is just an incredibly good friendship. I can’t kid myself anymore. I told this much to Fridge, he didn’t seem to understand. But how do you tell someone you love them but are not in love with them, it’s not that simple. I think Fridge is the most amazing, funny and sensitive guys I have ever known, I started going out with him for all those reasons, when I’m with him we have so much fun, we are always laughing always messing around. But this doesn’t mean we have a relationship. I want to be with him, but I don’t know if I want to be with him as more than a friend.

I told him this, he said, what was a relationship if not an amazing friendship. But I’m not too convinced, I just feel there should be more, and I don’t think I’m getting that from Fridge. I feel ready to move on.

I thought this would go on forever but now it is clear our days are numbered, I’m going to see him tomorrow but I don’t know if it’s going to all end or not. I wonder if it’s better to now before anyone can get anymore hurt. The thing is I know it won’t be me feeling that pain, perhaps I’ve already disconnected myself too much. Last night we spoke about this and we both cried, but we were both crying for him. I don’t want to hurt him anymore.

2009-01-13T14:56:00.000Z

Wounded

There is a pang of pain in my chest every time I realise my friend is going to let me down. But it’s so much worse when your friend knows and doesn’t plan to tell you. It’s as if someone has drained the life out of me, as if I’m so worthless they can’t even spare the time to say they can’t be bothered. It hurts, it damages every bit of my confidence, every piece of it I’ve taped back together is slowly peeled away. I start telling myself I don’t need anyone, I star hating people who rely on me, because I can’t rely on anyone. I dislike those who want to see me and crave those who don’t. I am a sadist, I thrive on rejection, I seem to cling to those who harm me, it just makes me want them more.

Katie and I have been planning to go out on this coming Thursday for about two moths, or ever since Katie found out the date of her retake, after which I said I’d take her out. We spoke about it today, she still seemed keen, then I hear from Fridge this evening Katie plans to see Enzo on Thursday. I just wonder when I was meant to learn of this fact. Tonight? Tomorrow? Thursday? I know she couldn’t see Enzo today, I understand she wants to see him during the week, but if a previous plan had been made. The question is do you let your friends down for your boyfriend? For me I always choose friends, but maybe I’ve never been deeply enough in love with someone I want to give up everything for them.

Perhaps I’m just being sensitive, we could go out another day, but the hurt lies in the fact she didn’t tell me, rather than the fact we can’t go out. I hate hearing things through other people, hearing it directly softens the blow somewhat, and otherwise I begin to resent the third party who told me in the first place.

2009-01-08T14:41:00.000Z

Parents evening:

We all know I have issues with parents evenings, they never go well, this is not because I am a bad student or because I’m not doing too well, but the fact that fears and worries my parents have match up all too well with those of the teachers. But last year I had the first parents evening where no teacher mentioned the idea that I might be depressed. Every year at Highlands, from about the end of year seven until year eleven they ‘raised concerns’ about my mood. It wasn’t that it was affecting my school work, but that it was just an issue. I was never depressed as such, but I’ve just always hated school as an institution, I never got on with anyone, and I never tried to fit in. They perceived my mood as black because it didn’t fit. This year it happened again, though it was not so much of an issue more of a side note, briefly mentioned but not of any real concern. All of them spoke of how I didn’t fit in, but this was considered a good thing, breaking the mould as it were, having my own opinion. Oh the blessing to be finally at a school where this is appreciated. But they worried that it occasionally brought me down, my mood can be ‘dark and difficult’ and I can be ‘cutting and cold’. Well it’s no surprise for you to hear this, nor for my parents really, they’ve got used to me now. I wouldn’t say it was easy for them during my early teen years but they’ve adapted.

However, all teachers mentioned that I probably didn’t work hard enough, and I was letting myself down. I got lists of homework I hadn’t done from most teachers, who joked about how I done several extra essays for them, but not the ones they’d set. I suppose the problem is, that if something doesn’t interest me, or that I don’t feel it is of benefit to me, I just don’t do it.

My parents were pissed off though, I haven’t been paying enough attention to work, and now I have to pull my act together, especially over this month. Mock exams and coursework deadlines ensue.

2009-01-07T14:31:00.000Z

I’m not very good in relationships

I had not been 100% happy with mine and Fridge’s relationship, and over the Christmas holidays I’d been having serious doubts. You see had it been anyone else but Fridge, I’d have chucked them, I wouldn’t have even bothered. In terms of relationships I am very selfish, I have to be happy or else it’s over, I do not work at things- for Christ sake we are only seventeen I shouldn’t have to work at a relationship. But I have known Fridge for a long time and I knew this wasn’t like him. So we had, what I know consider to be, the most serious conversation of my life.

On New Years Eve Fridge threw a wobbly, he went off whilst the rest of us were playing around and had a sulk in another room. I was having fun and was reluctant to go after him- like I said I am selfish- but I did and he was just grumpy the whole time. We had a chat about what was wrong, but from that point something changed. I guess to an extent I began to resent Fridge, he had told me I hadn’t been giving him enough attention and I was just playing with the others and ignoring him. I, of course being me, perceived this to be clingy, and above all things I hate clingy people, I am too easily suffocated. And from then on I distanced myself a bit I guess.

Fridge obviously realised this and got upset about it, and was constantly ringing me or sending me texts asking if I was pissed off with him. A further factor that irritates me in other people. Christmas is a busy time anyway and I was always off visiting relatives or family friends, so Fridge figured I had been avoiding him and having second thoughts about us. I imagined because he’d been so grouchy he had had similar feelings, but yes I had been having second thoughts. We tried having ‘chats’ about our feelings, but regular readers will know that outside the virtual world I will never tell anyone how I’m feeling. It ended up me considering Fridge to be paranoid and accusing, I felt like I was just being blamed. I very much considered breaking up with him.

Yesterday we had a really nice day, but it ended with us having that talk, it was far less scary than envisioned, but it was horrid upsetting Fridge. Cute that he’s so emotional though. I personally feel like we resolved most things, but I told him how I felt about relationships and that I was not going to change how I acted around other people. I hope it will last at least a bit longer.

2009-01-04T16:16:00.000Z

Straight talking
(A ramble post)

I find it very hard to be angry, I can’t have an argument with someone, even when I so tense, I just can’t muster the energy to scream at someone. At times I wish I could, I wish I could just let out all of my feelings in one big rant: but it’ll never happen. I am self contained. I like my feelings and thoughts either in my head or on the page. They are safe there. It’s not that I don’t want people to know how I feel, it’s just too intimate speaking them out loud. Hearing my voice say those phrases, it terrifies me.

Above all I hate the phrase ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ it encourages a positive response, and what am I meant to do say, well yes I’ve been bottling it up for seventeen years but now that you ask I suppose now is as good a time as any. Fridge is the worst for these silly phrases, ‘I’d like to think you could open up to me’ is his current favourite. Um yeah, I don’t open up to anyone, just because you are my boyfriend does not change this. He think just because I won’t tell him exactly how I’m feeling means I’m pissed off with him or I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. Fridge is probably the one I open up most to and he is seriously jeopardising this.

We had a bit of a tiff earlier and he asked me what was wrong, did I want to talk about it, am I pissed off with him, what am I feeling? And I just sit there, I can’t answer him, because I don’t know what is wrong, it might help to explain it if I knew what was going on in my head, but currently I’m at a total loss. I’m worried about something, I know that much, but I don’t know what. I told him this much. I don’t know if it’s school, if it’s me and Fridge, I don’t know if it’s just a mass of confusion in my head, but I can’t sleep, I can’t function properly anymore.

Then he asks, and I’m not entirely sure where this came from, but he asked it anyway; “Are you worried about your sexuality?” I burst out laughing, I couldn’t help it, I was convulsing on the floor, what an earth. My sexuality is something I rarely discuss, and when I do its only if someone asks or it’s necessary, I’m pretty much in the closet but will peak out the door. I am comfortable with it, mostly, and I really don’t think it was that that bothers me. Maybe I spoke about it more recently, but it’s only because I’ve seen people over Christmas who I haven’t seen in a while and often one of the first questions asked is ‘Are you still in the closet?’, it’s an on running joke, most people know, but they also know I don’t like to talk about it. I don’t think I’ve ever blogged about it, in fact if I have I’ve probably just said I like guys, it’s certainly not untrue but it’s not the whole story. I assume most people know but even of my friends I’m not sure everyone does, but it’s not an issue that needs to be discussed really.

I’m not sure even now why I’m writing about this. In fact I’m having second thoughts about posting this. I think what I was trying to talk about was how people dislike my closed attitude to emotions, then got distracted by the whole sexuality issue.

I am worried about Fridge and I, I hope well get through this weird patch we’re going through, but I just feel so frustrated all the time, and I find it so difficult to explain this. As you can see he is coming up with every reason under the sun to explain it, and it is driving me nuts. I just feel so at a loss, so confused and no not about what I wrote above.

2008-12-31T12:03:00.001Z

2008: coming out of the social cocoon

So I was reading this post this morning, my first post of 2008 and I was reflecting on the past year, all in all 2008 has been an awesome year, even if I did none of the things I had planned to!

Reading over that post you’ll remember I made a list of thing that I planned to do in 2008, out of that list I only did the inevitable; turned seventeen, took my exams, had my braces off and went to my grandma’s birthday party. The other things happened I just didn’t attend. Instead I met some amazing people, went on holiday with them, fell in love twice, did some mortifying things, did some brilliant things and I regret none of it! 2008 was officially the best year I have ever had! Well so far anyway…

Also I kept to all my new years resolutions… well except maybe the ironing one. I am so much happier than I was in 2007, most of this is down to a change in environment and people but part of it is also me embracing life. I am no longer scared of experiencing things, or putting myself in a position where I feel uncomfortable. Because I like who I am, and I have so much more respect for myself now. 2008 was a major confidence boost for me, of course I’ve had my set backs but my self-assurance brings me back up again now. You have to feel the pain before you can appreciate the good times.

2008 saw a few changes to the blog too, no longer called ‘My Life in General’ we had a blog name change as well as a change to my name. More blog posts too I think, though this has slip over the last couple months due to other pressures. I think it’s probably got more emotional too, not sure if my writing style has improved though, but I’m working on it.

2008 was incredible; I can only hope 2009 will be even better!

2008-12-23T16:07:00.000Z

Tick tock.

I ought to get a conveyer belt that loops from my front door through my kitchen and out the back door, on which relatives can stand, meet each member of the Bea household, be handed an alcoholic drink and leave again. That’s what my life feels like at the moment anyway; a constant stream of relations. From the Friday we broke up until Christmas we are entertaining every night, then after Christmas it reduces to about every other night. I have no idea when I’ll get any work done, or how my school can expect me to.

The school won’t even call it a holiday, instead it’s the Christmas period, in which the work is pilled high and stress rockets. My report was a bit shitty so I have to make even more of an effort over the two weeks and do extra work. If my parents weren’t so ‘involved’ it wouldn’t matter, I could get away with not giving them the report or telling the school they’re busy on parents evening, instead I am screwed. It’s not so much I’ve been lazy, even if I have, but more that I have been despondent. I just haven’t wanted to do the work, or anything really. They’ll tell my parents how I won’t talk in class anymore or how I’m too critical of my work, how I won’t hand it in because I don’t like how it reads. But my mum and dad, won’t see it as melancholy, they’re used to my episodes, it’ll be called apathy. You’ll just have to work harder they’ll say, you can’t see as much of Fridge, you need more focus. Snap out of it.

But it’s as if this dark ominous cloud looms overhead, I’m travelling towards these shadowy gates, at which point I’ll have to give it all up, my current lifestyle, the security of home, Fridge and my friends. Even if I stayed right here, everyone else will change, everyone else will move on, there is no point even trying to cling on when there is nothing to cling on to.

Everything will change and that scares me.

2008-12-18T15:02:00.000Z

My mum is all about production

We all need to be focused, every task performed must have a purpose, there is no hanging about to be had. Spending a weekend in Camden is not productive, it is of no educational value and is regarded as pointless. Why not visit a museum? Or an art gallery? Or a lecture? I think my mum is missing the point of being a teenager, there is no aim.

2008-12-14T17:50:00.001Z

I had to rationalise,

I was stressed and panicked over the amount of work I had to do this weekend, turned out once I broke it down into more manageable portions it wasn’t that much at all, well not too much that I couldn’t do. My English essay is now complete, my psychology revision is half way there and I’ve still managed to fit it some Christmas shopping, wrapping and writing cards. December is such a stressful month, but I can control it. I am very good at just getting on a doing things, but it’s the process of getting my head down in the first place when there are so many distractions. I feel better now.

2008-12-12T15:59:00.000Z

Offer from Leeds Uni.

Urgh my itunes broke today and I have to re-upload over 3000 songs individually and manually.

The second uni offer is good though.

2008-12-11T15:54:00.001Z

Life is slowly sorting itself out

I have been a stressy Nell recently, I seem to be getting so much work and doing so little of it, yet somehow I’m on track, well only just. I’m teetering on the edge at the moment, I keep missing deadlines, I know it’s not acceptable and I need to get my act together but everything just seems so unorganised. But I think things are calming a little, I’m doing my work (well sort of) and over the Christmas holidays I plan to fix my disorganised life.

One of the things that was hanging over my head was university, everyone else seemed to be getting offers except me, needless to say I was worrying, but that changed today. I got my first uni offer!!! AND it’s my favourite one, York! They really want me and I’ve been invited to open days and events. Actually I wouldn’t care which uni it was just to know I’m slowly getting offers through is a relief.

Also I won’t have to worry about the skin thing for much longer either, my appointment is on Christmas eve, so that’ll be another weight lifted.

However, I can’t relax just because I’ve definitely got into one uni, I have a essays for English Lit, Psychology and Sociology to write over the next few days, and mock exams next week, so I’ll crack the whip and get going.

2008-12-04T18:51:00.001Z

Friday Night

I didn’t want to go, and nor did Katie, but then Pearl did, and Katie and I still didn’t, but then Katie did, and I still didn’t, but then they said I should because they were, and I still didn’t, but now I am, but not because I really wanted to but because I feel I should.

Is it really a party if I have to pay for it. I have to leave early anyway.

2008-12-03T18:38:00.000Z

Got an appointment!

There’s a light at the end on the tunnel!

The woman on the end of the phone was laughing at me because I kept telling her how grateful I was. Thing is she can never understand how appreciative I am! Hope has found me once more.

2008-12-02T20:03:00.000Z

He didn’t want to know.

After telling me he ‘wasn’t ready’ to see me again, he basically implied we could never really be friends again. It has totally cut me up, how can he say these things over such a trivial matter.

I called Fridge, and for the first time he admitted perhaps Kit was being a bit pathetic over the whole thing. Kit and Fridge are best friends and for ages Fridge has defended Kit’s overreaction claiming it was only natural and would pass quickly. It has been two months. Kit says he can’t bear to see Fridge and I together, he basically told Fridge to break-up with me and that Fridge was being totally selfish, I can’t see how anyone could not consider this to be overreacting. I could understand if I had been going out with Kit and broken up with him for Fridge, I could even sympathise if I’d have known about his feelings before I chose to go out with Fridge, but none of this is the case. Kit just needs to grow up, because tonight he’s really upset me!

2008-12-02T18:44:00.000Z

This has gone on far too long,

I had a dream about Kit last night, in it we went to the London Stock Exchange where he wanted to go to school, (reminder: this is a dream) in my dream he kept crying and crying and all I could do was hold him but every time I did it made it worse. When I woke up I realised how true to life this dream was, not the stock exchange part, but the fact I can’t do anything to make things between Kit and I any better. All I want to do is hold him and tell him it’ll all be okay, but this will only make things worse.
I miss my cuddles with Kit, we used to have such an amazing friendship, and I thought we were regaining a lot of that. I understand I hurt him, but it was not intentional, I want him back, I’ve offered the olive branch but he’s still reluctant to take it. He’ll be friends with Fridge and myself separately but he can’t stand to see us together. He doesn’t hang out with us as a group anymore, and it’s affecting everyone. I am the only one who can fix this, so tonight I’ll have to call him and see if we can work this out, I can’t bear to loose him.

2008-11-30T18:32:00.000Z

The Norman Conquests,

Went to see the trilogy of plays called The Norman Conquests and I have to tell you they were fabulous, absolutely hilarious. Cost a horrific amount but well worth it, I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen my dad laugh so much. I heard them on the radio previously and when I heard they were on at the Old Vic I nagged and pestered my mum for tickets. Anyway, I’m not going to write a lot about them because I’m absolutely exhausted after a sleepover at Fridge’s last night. I don’t think we got to sleep until six and woke up at ten, so I feel a bit rubbish.

Also,
Last night my mum said, if I don’t hear about an appointment with the dermatologist this week then she’ll take me privately. She knows how much it’s been bothering me, and although I feel terribly guilty for letting her I’m at breaking point.

2008-11-26T15:20:00.000Z

Not the James kind

I am always offending people, I’ve written countless times of how I’ve inadvertently upset friends and family by being far too blunt. I’ll claim it’s a home truth people need to hear, people are oversensitive, and just accept it as part of my personality. Trouble is the majority of people just consider it rude.

It happened again the other day, I upset Mogweed by using the phase “up the duff”, it appeared I’d really upset her, but you know me I didn’t really understand why. Turns out she and the new husband are trying for a sprog, and I should know that “it is not as easy as just getting ‘knocked up’”. Maybe- girls in my old school seem to manage it quite easily- but I know little of such things. She argues it to be my choice of phrase. Slang and colloquialisms are offensive, clearly. I apologised, of course, but offending people is one of the few talents I hold, I am seventeen, surely this is what I’m meant to do.

I am renowned for upsetting people though, I’ve upset Katie on many occasions for being frank about a scenario, it just comes back and bites me but I can’t help myself. It’s character flaw but not one that can’t be fixed, my mum claims it’ll come with age and experience. The thing is I’m not perceptive in my approach, yet I’m very sensitive about the response, that is to say, it does upset me when I’ve hurt people. I need to think before I speak, all that’s needed is a little insight.

2008-11-24T18:23:00.000Z

Casing issues,

I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and hated what I saw! I hate my skin, hate it with a passion! I have terrible acne, for years I’ve managed to control it to a minimum with drugs, but over the last few months it’s really flared up, and nothing seems to help. I wash my face, I cleanse my skin, but I know it won’t help, my problem is hormonal, and no that doesn’t mean it’s confined to one point in the month. My face is swollen and sore and I look like the human pizza woman. Honestly, I don’t know what to do about it, I’m apparently being referred to a dermatologist but I’ve heard no news yet. I feel like I can’t leave the house without make-up and I know that there is this on going joke about getting me Clearasil for Christmas. No one seems to understand, it’s not that simple, there is only one person who truly understands the problem, and that’s my friend Riya, and that’s only because she had the same problem. Last year Riya went on this hard-core drug, but it has pretty nasty side effect. But now I don’t care, I just want to get rid of this!

2008-11-20T14:08:00.000Z

I’m with Edith Piaf on this one

I always do stupid things, I never think about consequences or how they will affect other people. I am inherently selfish, I would never deny that, I do things on spur of the moment because I want to do them. And last night was no exception.

Last night was the school English trip to see Measure for Measure, I was meant to be going with Katie, but due to other commitments she is going tonight. So I hooked up with Sienna, who is brilliant fun and who I get on with so well. But like me, Sienna is all about making momentary decisions which may fuck up in the long run, thus we make a fun team but a foolish one too. So before Measure for Measure we ended up meeting in a park, blazing and getting very drunk, completely idiotic but ridiculously entertaining. Subsequently I saw the best production of a Shakespeare play ever, but it was still a thoughtless act.

Nobody noticed a real change in character in Sienna and myself, we are always the weird dyke-like girls who sit at the back of the English class burning bras or something equally feminist. But those who saw us taking sneaky swigs in the interval were unlikely to keep it to themselves, thus this morning I made the guilty confession to Katie, in the hope she wouldn’t find out from anyone else first. Sheepishly I admitted my fault and got the following response: “You are pathetic”

It’s a little harsh but yes it wasn’t exactly the most well though decision, I’ve ever made, consequently I made several people irritated during the day. I felt guilty I made Katie think that of me, I felt more even more at fault when Fridge reacted similarly, though he chose not to say it I got the sense he disapproved.

On the other hand, I am seventeen and I am allowed to be an idiot on occasion. I did have a good time with Sienna, and sometimes you need to be a bit reckless to enjoy you teen years otherwise you just end up being depressed and lonely. I spent far too long as the latter. Last night I had fun, and I’m okay with that!

2008-11-18T13:43:00.001Z

Jam Jar,

For some reason Katie is completely pissed off with me for the most bizarre reason.
I mentioned in yesterday’s post that I have been invited to have a meal with Fridge and his family on Friday, which I mentioned to Katie this morning; more as a passing comment than a gloat. Yet she took complete offence. It transpired she was annoyed because she hasn’t met any of Enzo’s family, skimming over the small fact that this may be because they live half way across the world, I don’t see how this has anything to do with me. She marched off in a huff, after having a short go at me, involving the following phrase:
“It’s not fair you a fridge have been going out for like, what, 2 minutes, and Enzo and I for over a year”
I keep my head down all day and try not to speak out of line again, am I the doormat? maybe.

***
I told Fridge about having to change my blog name, he seemed unaware of it’s existence at all, let alone the need for change. Then came the question; “Can I read it?”. People read this blog all the time, some of them I know, some of them I know very well, others are strangers. Yet I’m reluctant to let people into this head of mine, the people who read this blog don’t really know those who I write about, or not on the level of closeness that could lead to people being insulted. I write about me, and the intricate workings of my mind, and perhaps I fear that people may understand me too well if they read this. I will tell you about my life, I will tell you of the people I love, of those I hate, but ask me how I feel and I recoil. It scares me. I guess I’m scared that if somebody knows how I feel they could one day use it against me.
Fridge is so close to me, and it’s not that I don’t trust him personally, it’s more that I don’t trust anyone.

Further irrelevance; HW's Gig tonight

2008-11-17T12:25:00.000Z

Turns out,

There was nothing to worry about but that didn’t stop the burgundy shade that engulfed my face. No matter, I still had a lovely evening with Fridge, and even got invited to his sister’s birthday meal on Friday!

In other news…
Blog name will have to change (again) after the site was discovered by people in school who I didn’t really want to read it. Sorry for the inconvenience but after last time I don’t really want the suicide watch back.

2008-11-16T12:17:00.000Z

A perfect fit

As I prepare for the most mortifying experience of my existence, I realise that only pure foolishness has found me here. The risk is small but the consequences are potentially huge. But tomorrow I just have to get on with it, embarrassment is not necessarily a bad thing. Time to get grounded.

2008-11-15T16:51:00.000Z

Lost: my temper, if found please return to Nell.

I don’t loose my rag often, haven’t done so for ages, but generally when I do it’s always with the same person; my mum. You see my mum is a nagger, she goes on and on and on about something, and once that’s done, she’ll find something else to nag about. Today my mum woke up on the wrong side of bed, her mood was positively foul, and I did my best to stay out of her way. And it worked, for a while.

I knew she was pissed off with my dad, and I knew she wouldn’t have a go at him because she had to spend the afternoon at my Grandmama’s, a scenario in which even a companion you are annoyed with is better than no companion at all. So that meant I had to bear the force of her annoyance. She starts off nagging about how I don’t pull my weight around the home, a hot topic of late, and one she always brings up. I attempt to ignore, and calmly retort back with a reasonable response when necessary.

She realises that I’m not cooperating in the desired argument. She tries another tactic, attacks my defence, my calmness is an apparent arrogance in her eyes, and that I am attempting superiority. Now I’m getting a bit wound up but I keep my cool. Now she is really, really, really pissed off, grabbing at anything to get me on the same level.

I use this face cream for my acne, it is effectively bleach, it peals off the top laver of my skin, but it also destroys towels and clothing. She walks away, then marches back bleached towel in hand; “Look. Look what you’ve done”.

It’s so irrelevant, it’s so unnecessary, I loose all calm and I scream. I tell her to shut up, grab my keys and leave the house.

I am so annoyed, so disappointed in myself. I don’t even know why it got to me but now I’m absolutely infuriated and for no real reason.

2008-11-15T12:16:00.000Z

Also,

Bill Bailey tonight, followed by a posho party, should be ace.

2008-11-13T16:12:00.000Z

Stripes

I am still very angry with Enzo. I can’t help it, I know I’m not directly involved, I know Katie’s forgiven him. But when someone hurts a person really close to you, you can’t help being affected, the resentment is only natural. I just feel like he is being allowed to get away with this, of course I’m biased, he upset my best friend, but even if it wasn’t her, someone totally unrelated, it’s not acceptable to treat people like that.

But what do I do about it? The fact is if I say something Katie will kill me, if I don’t am I letting down my own standards.

Fridge said to me yesterday, “if I ever treat you like that, don’t let me get away with it. Not that I have any doubt you would” If Enzo was mine he’d be packing his bags as we speak, but maybe that just highlights how different Katie am I are.

Also had a really nice chat with my mum this evening, she’s been so stressed recently I’ve missed our random little chats.

2008-11-11T19:59:00.000Z

My worry about Kit,

I think I’m loosing one of my best friends, and I question why repeatedly. I always vowed I would never sacrifice a friend for a boyfriend, friends first, lovers second. But what happens when you are asked to? What if you can’t see that a situation could ever go this wrong?

Kit asked Fridge to break-up with me, effectively anyway. Here’s the exact quote

“I don’t know what to do about this situation and you don’t seem to want to do
anything about it.”

I am angry with Kit, of course I am, but why did he say it? Why is he still caught up with this, something I thought would be over within days has dragged out. Fridge agrees what Kit said was wrong, but he understands how Kit is feeling. I can to an extent but this is getting silly.

2008-11-10T14:18:00.002Z

OK

Isn’t it such an odd word, what does it even mean, a state between good and bad, things a fine, it is such a pointless word, it lacks any real value. Yet it is used all the time.

Enzo and Katie say that they are ‘Okay’ but is being okay good enough, it means their relationship is acceptable, it has no worth anymore, it lacks something. I don’t know if I can do okay, I want everything. Maybe Fridge and I will get to the point where we are ‘okay’, I don’t think I want that, I don’t know what I’ll do then. It probably won’t last much longer once things become just satisfactory.

I say I’m okay when I don’t want to say I’m feeling terrible and I don’t want anyone else to know. When the pain really gets to me but I don’t want to admit it to myself let alone someone else. So I’m okay, not great, not amazing, just tolerable, all right. When I tell people I’m okay, generally I’m really not.

I spoke to Katie last night, she said she was okay with everything, really, I know she’s not.

***
I’m going to meet Fridge soon, we are off to another lecture, this time about the state of consciousness, should be really interesting. And by the way, I’m much better than okay, I am pretty darn happy at the moment.

2008-11-09T14:00:00.001Z

Off with a Bang

Yesterday did not exactly ‘go to plan’, in fact for much of the evening it was horrible and the most upsetting thing I’ve had to endure in a long time. You see, Katie and Enzo had the biggest argument, and I had to bear witness to most of it. I hate seeing my best friend upset, and yesterday she was hysterical, it cut me up inside.

It started to kick off when we were in Camden, we knew we had to get to the palace to see the fireworks by 6.45, so we figured we’d leave about 5.30, but Enzo had other ideas. He didn’t want to leave, and just disappeared, wandering round Camden on his own, and we were unable to get into contact with him. We should have just left, but we felt this would start an argument, oh the irony. We ended up leaving an hour later, but the traffic was really bad and it was getting later, and Katie was worrying. Firstly, we may not get in to see the fireworks at all, and Katie needed pictures of them for her art project. Secondly we were meant to meet people at that time.

Enzo got really mad at her complaining and panicking that we’d be late, he had a go at her. It was a tad embarrassing, Enzo just shouting at her on the top deck of a 134. Kate was upset, of course she was, so when we got off the bus she and I marched off. I tried to reassure her, but stupidly didn’t think about what I was saying, note to self saying “don’t worry he’s just being a twat” will insult your best friend. She said it annoyed her because it meant she was the one with the twat, which is fair enough, I was insensitive.

We met the people, although a little late everyone was okay, Enzo and Katie appeared to get over it, for almost a whole ten minutes. Enzo went off to the toilet even though we told him that they were going to lock the gates soon, and to hurry or wait. But he and Pearl went off, under the assurance of the guards they should be let back in. They both got locked out. We couldn’t get hold of either of their mobiles but eventually we found Pearl behind a fence. Luckily we managed to squeeze her underneath but still no sign of Enzo.

He called Katie. He shouted at Katie. He blamed Katie. Katie was told to eff off and not bother finding him, he sent her horrible sarcastic text messages. I can’t stand him when he’s like that, and he really hurt my best friend.

Katie watch the fireworks with some of her friends, I began to watch them with Fridge but ended up running off to find Asia, only to have a run in with two blokes about a spilt beer. I ended up paying for some guys beer that I didn’t even spill. That pissed me off a little bit, but I couldn’t be arsed to get any fights that night.

We found Enzo after, he screamed at Katie, and pushed her, she was inconsolable, I suggested we leave and all calm down a bit. I grabbed he arm and tried to pull her back, he really hurt her, but we managed to escape. We went off and calmed down, well as much as possible.

I received text messages from Enzo asking for my help to try and sort this thing out. Even though I do think Enzo is a dick a lot of the time, I know he means a great deal to Katie and thus I don’t want them to break up. I texted him saying to wait for a bit, so everyone could call off. After a few texts he became abusive to me and said that this was between him and Katie and I shouldn’t get involved. No, I don’t understand either, why did he ask for my help if…urgh do you know what I’m not even going to try anymore.

Eventually they met up, and after an hour of talking, and hour of me standing in the cold and wet for them (just in case it all went wrong I didn’t want Katie to wait at the station on her own) the made up, well sort of.

Afterwards Enzo came up to me and told me everything was ok, but it’s not. Not only was Enzo rude to my best friend, he was also offensive to me and some of the others, including Fridge. Just because Katie can forgive him, give him the right to get away with it again, I don’t want to let him think it’s acceptable. He upset me too.

The rest of the evening was fine, we all enjoyed ourselves, none of my former concerns came true, and a group of us ended up see High School Musical 3 at midnight, which was so jokes. But the Katie & Enzo issue kind of put a downer on the whole evening. The thing is I used to think Enzo was such a great sweet guy, and perfect for Katie, but now I question my friendship with him.

2008-11-08T20:06:00.000Z

Reminiscing

Fireworks tonight, which should be awesome, well at least it’s been built up by Katie to be the most amazing evening. Mainly because it’s the anniversary of when she and Enzo met, and Thursday will be their completed year as a couple, a miraculous achievement in itself without the added drama of Katie and Enzo. It’s all very sweet but I can’t help remember this time a year ago.

November last year was not a great time for me, although I did go to the fireworks with the same group, I hated it. I didn’t fit in. It just emphasised further that I was different and I decided I could never fit in with anyone. Although now I know that is not true, for some reason every time I think of the me a year ago, I feel this overwhelming sadness, a cutting sensation in my stomach which I don’t understand.

I suppose also the reason I’m unsure about tonight is that a couple of girls from Katie’s old school will be there, one of whom used to go out with HW, and really disliked me when he and I were together. The other was ‘in love’ with Fridge, not that anything happened between them but the principal is still there. All our close friends know about Fridge and I, the transition wasn’t too complicated with them, but for people who we haven’t seen for I while the explanation can be rather awkward.

I’m sure it’ll be fine, but I can always find something to worry about. Off to Camden to meet Fridge, Katie and Enzo, and presumably some of the others too.

2008-11-06T19:16:00.000Z

I didn’t love it.

It’s not that I hated it either; I wouldn’t be devastated if I ended up there. It just didn’t feel like home.

It was very different from York, for starters it was massive. Lots of good shops granted, but also the downside of having a very urban and industrial feel, described by the uni as ‘a developing city’. Which is not what I want. Leeds is a party city, and we were shown where all the best clubs and bars were, but part cities are for party people. Much as a socialite I aim to be I have never been clubbing, nor see much attraction in it. It is a fun city I grant you but I want a more academically aimed one.

Am currently writing this in my free period, whilst also trying to write a report for sociology, so excuse hurried blog.

2008-11-05T14:27:00.000Z

I’m off to Leeds,

let you know how it goes. Though I am told I'll love it

2008-11-03T09:33:00.001Z

Keeping focus

“You! It’s all about you! What do you want to achieve? What’s stopping you? and what can you do to change that”

We live in an egocentric age, we are told to focus on our own lives and what we want; me, me, me. Is this necessarily a good thing, should I forget about the rest of mankind and prioritise my own wants and desires. Following this path of individualism has its advantages but surely many of its dangers can’t be beneficial in the long run. Of course I am subject to this culture, for christ’s sake I write a whole blog about me and my problems, that’s got to be egoism if ever I’ve heard it, and often I am so caught up in my own issues I tend to block out those of people around me, I discard people who I consider to be ‘holding me back’. I am selfish. But is this a bad thing?

I claim to help all these people, talk to them when they’re down, cheer them up, but really am I helping them or just helping myself feel like a better person. I never consciously do it for the latter reason but am I just kidding myself. I hope still even if it is a subconscious selfish motive that I do help, and they feel supported.

Note: I have just had to endure a motivational lecture, in which the above quote was used. It made me question myself.

2008-11-01T09:36:00.000Z

Sometimes it’s best to avoid the whole situation,

I didn’t go last night.

2008-10-31T16:59:00.001Z

One day I’ll wake up and feel like it’s worth getting out of bed,

I still don’t know what to do about tonight, I still don’t want to go, but now I feel obligated to do so. Last night Pearl called me, we had a long chat and somehow she managed to get me to agree to go. I knew it would happen, despite everyone saying that they’d stand by my decision they all pushed me into a corner. Just because they’ve reassured hundreds of times that I don’t have to trick or treat, that people will stay with me whilst everyone else goes out, doesn’t mean I believe them. It’s clearly not okay, I don’t want to be the one ruining the party, it’ll be the obvious elephant in the room; Nell the kill joy with her weird morals. And by saying yes I’ll go to the party am I losing my higher ground, by immersing myself into something I disagree with am I giving the wrong impression. I don’t know whether I can buy into half of something if I don’t agree with the whole thing. It’s a catch 22, if I don’t go everyone will avoid me later, if I do go they’ll avoid me at this party.

2008-10-25T12:28:00.000Z

Questioning friendships

On Thursday I wrote about how I felt a group of my friends were very critical of my beliefs, today that became far, far more apparent and offensive. I wrote of how I was given three options: ‘get over it’, arrive late, or not go. But logging onto my facbook this afternoon it would appear my choice is quite the hot topic, with conversations between people, a message sent round to all members of the group and several posts on the wall of the group. Unfortunately none of them were exactly pleasant.

Some examples:

“Fuck off Nell can stand outside, or you don’t have to bother coming at all”

“Are you kidding? That is LOL, what Nell doesn’t “believe” in trick or treating
LOLOLOLOL, that is jokes!!! tell her dont come. this is a party for people who
actually WANT to have fun”

“No trickortreating I don’t get it why not?”

“No joining in no party sorry get over yourself they are the rules”

“OK anyone apart from Nell not want to go trick or treating and what do we do
about those who don’t want to?” (message sent to all members of the group
‘Halloween’)

“What a twat, tell her to get off her fucking high horse or fuck off I’m not
sharing my sweets with her :p”

So of course right now I feel absolutely amazing about myself. What am I going to do? I’m meant to be going to a party with them this evening but I refuse to go now, it’s bad enough them bullying me in cyberspace but I really don’t want to experience it in reality.